MY WEBLOGS

2003-03-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

i am where i am supposed to be but i am not what i am supposed to be besides u dont do what u'r supposed to do so when everything's going someone else's way, i am not supposed to talk at all

2003-01-09T04:31:00.003-08:00

it's strange .. i dont love u but i so very much wish u were here by my side .. i m making myself fall for u while i know there's nothing good awaiting us behind the gates of mutual love .. cuz there's this third person who's attached to u ........

2003-01-09T04:31:00.002-08:00

u r the only one i wish to talk to .. after all u r someone new and u r chosen for a while cuz everytime we are changing .. at least that's what the say .. and u d be the first one to pack and leave things behind just like always .. u r the one to go and i am the one to stay, since u have better reasons to go while i have none to either stay or run ..

2003-01-09T04:31:00.001-08:00

you might've heard people saying they wish things were different .. now you can hear me also saying the same things .. "i wish i wasnt born"

2003-01-09T04:31:00.000-08:00

every morning i wake up , i wear my smile and i hide myself behind my coolest mask. during the day i swallow my uncried tears of the night before and whenever i am thinking i go over those very rare moments of happiness i've experienced in life .. i know them by heart .. second by second .. word by word .. im not looking for a fine day to exit cuz i still have trust in this sky and this earth i walk on .. im yet to see darker days and bitter moments .. and i shall still wait for the day i'd start looking for a fine day to exit.

2003-01-09T04:30:00.003-08:00

Miracle is finding you when i least expected it ..

2003-01-09T04:30:00.002-08:00

i've always said i dont like and enjoy talking about my feelings but there were a couple of times i did enjoy it and i come to think why is that ? now i know why ... i care lots about my feelings and they're real important to me so i enjoy sharing them with the ones who know what language my feelings speak and know the answers to the questions made by my feelings

2003-01-09T04:30:00.001-08:00

i like to be with strange people cuz when i am with ordinary ones im just like them but when i am with those not-easiliy-found strange ones i am me and i am what i am meant to be

2003-01-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO CRY FOR A LONG TIME

2002-12-24T11:11:00.001-08:00

for YOU i will strive
cuz YOU said YOU are alive

2002-12-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

when your presence started to fade away
i realized there's nothing worse than your not being around
so i craved , shouted and grieved
to stop evey thing which was tearing you apart
one morning i woke up and saw you smiling
your smile was revealing to me
that all those pains and heartaches were gone
and there i keep chanting
for this blessing which shone on this lonely heart of mine

2002-12-24T11:10:00.001-08:00

the longest night of the year and the longest look of the year coinsided . Long Lives Love.

2002-12-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

It's great when you have a butterfly in your stomache due to a look which lasts some good seconds

2002-12-24T11:09:00.002-08:00

if i have my brain replaced with pure gold,
would i be called " my precious" ??!!

2002-12-24T11:09:00.001-08:00

p.s.thinking is the second best thing one can do

2002-12-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

I dont want to talk about imperfections
cuz then i should go talk about every little thing !

2002-12-08T13:55:00.002-08:00

when did i first start thinking ?
that's one of the million questions i keep asking myself everytime i come to think .
can't remember though .. maybe i was too young to remember .. or maybe i havent started yet .

2002-12-08T13:55:00.001-08:00

believing the unbelievable
expecting the unexpected
pardoning the unpardonable
embracing the unembracable
bearing the unbearable
forgetting the unfotgotten
forgiving the unforgiven
doing the un-done
saying the un-said
and loving the unlovable
these are my tasks in life ...

2002-12-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

torn .. cracked .. bent .. folded .. broken .. stained .. damaged .. scratched .. burned .. chipped .. dented .. that's how my soul is .

2002-12-08T13:54:00.001-08:00

if i just surrounder to all the sadness which i am surrounded with for a second i'd be drowned to death .. so i just try not to worry .. cuz when there's lots to be worried about, the best way to find a shortcut through the mess is to pretend there's nothing wrong ! but it hurts hard and it cuts deep .. but here i am to stay .. here i am to stand .. here i am as tough as i gotta be .. here i am as fragile as anyone could possibly be .. here i am with a small heart and lots to bear .. here i am with all the unsaids and undones .. here i am cold and unsheltered under the endless rain which has kept pouring for some 12 days .. 12 rainy days are more than enough for me to stand .. there are so many things that i cannot keep from happening .. my hands are small i know .. too small to do anything .. and my eyes are too dry to shed a tear .. but i have a confession to make ; my hard cover has deep cracks inside.

2002-12-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

emptiness is all around
happiness is far behind
nothingness is all i find
well .. i guess i am just outta my mind !

2002-12-06T21:16:00.001-08:00

my little flower which i adored
was made of plastic and empty words
one day i left it unsheltered
without water and my care so absurd
i found the plastic pieces scattered on the floor
and your empty words which were the routes
still remains and are about to blossom once more
they re sharp like your tounge
and are acting like a sword

i ll wrap it up in a beautiful paper
and on the valentines' bring u back the joy
there would be plastic flowers everywhere
and this time my empty words would echo

2002-12-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

you are the most tiring person i've ever seen
you are the most boring person i've ever known
but excuse me .. there's something wrong with me
i love it when i am tired and i long for being bored!

2002-12-06T21:15:00.001-08:00

how i love the word "another" when things are not going my way
cuz it still makes the existance of a second chance strong

how i hate the word "another" when things are just going my way
cuz it slaps me with the possibility of something else going on

by the way i love the word "another" most of the time !

2002-12-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

the day all the doors started to open and all the locks became unlocked i told myself that was going to be it .. there came the day which all the doors were closed and locked again .. there will come the day when all these things would be happening again
i am just too tired of the repetition ...

2002-12-06T21:14:00.001-08:00

what worths living for ?
what worths fighting for ?
what worths dying for ?
what worths crying for ?

one who lives for u
one who fights for u
one who dies for u
one who crise for u

2002-12-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

don't u dare messing with me one more time
cuz nothing's remained of the tender passion i used to sell
but if u just dare to come around one more time
all u d face is going to be a curse and some black spell

2002-12-06T21:13:00.002-08:00

the dimmest light i've ever known
was the candle u did hold
the night i cried my tears with you

the brightest light i've ever known
was that christmass night
u and i danced our hearts out
we really didnt care about the world

the darkest night i've ever known
was the night u let the truth out
and told me ur love was too heavy for me to hold

it still sometimes aches, the heart u fold !

2002-12-06T21:13:00.001-08:00

i am the biggest lie ever told
i am the saddest tale ever heard
my heart has the heaviest weight ever held
i have the deepest wound ever bled
i offered my love at the cheapest price ever sold
and ur heart is so COLD .. is so cold

2002-12-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

how about standing like a rock ?
how about not breaking apart ?
how about not crying loud ?
how about medning a broken heart ?
how about washing the tears out ?
how about making things at least SEEM alright ?

2002-12-06T21:12:00.001-08:00

the clouds are shaping an unshaped mass piled upon one another which makes me think of me
the wind's blowing and the trees are collapsing and it so very much reminds of me
its rainning so hard like a lover's crying her tears out and it looks just like me
everywhere i look i see ruins and i cannot stop thinking of all the things about me

the moonlight's piercing through the lonely heart
the rain's about to stop crying out
the trees are standing tight
the ruins are to be up-right
but are there any remnants of the things i used to call me ?

2002-12-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

when i tasted your teardrops .. they were bitter-sweet ...bitter for the love u lost and u were forced to leave behind and sweet for the precious things i found in you and the love u found in me ... last night i dreamet of tasting ur teardrops .. they were bitter .. bitter .. bitter .. bitter .. bitter ...........

2002-12-06T21:11:00.001-08:00

i just cling on to this very moment i am living in and i dunna where this possibly would be taking me .. but i am no good at the past and i am no wise for the future .. what i feel is now and what i don't feel is whats-so-ever that has something to do with time ..

2002-12-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

it's so strange because:
it's so sad to be patehtic and its so pathetic to be sad ...
its doesn't happen everyday after all !

2002-10-29T13:48:00.001-08:00

i went to a papetrie .. i bought the biggest piece of cart they had .. i'm not good at drawing but i have a cousin who is good at these stuff .. i asked her to draw me the biggest EAR possible on the cart .. with one big hole which would have enough space for my big words to pass .. she did her job well .. now i hung that cart up in my room .. i've found a new pastime everyday .. i sit down in front of the cart and i talk and talk and .. i shoud ask my cousin to draw me a mouth too ... real soon !!!!

2002-10-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

love is not what u see .. what u hear .. what u are told or even what u feel .. it's just the very soliditification of ur illusions and what u deep down inside yearn to see , hear , be told or feel .. dont bother too much for an illusion .. too much it colmunates the heights of "being" , it would be just a solidification not a realization .. the solid mass melts in a blink of an eye and ur tears are are the final shape of the chimeical reactions already happened ..

2002-10-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

in life there are facts that one, little by little get to know .. sometimes its too late .. but its worth knowing in the end .. u really dont have to give .. u just have to pretend u r giving something .. so that u wouldnt lose anything while u are gaining respect considering the sacrifice, people think, u've already made .. sometimes people pretend too much that finally they think they really are the false image they've already painted on others' minds .. they're nothing but an ugly face hiding their horns and oddities under a beautiful veil covered with nicities and humanities .. all u've gotta do is strip them in front of their very own eyes ! it's so pleasing .. believe me when i tell u this .. but ur eyes will suffer always for the horifying scene u've seen and ur heart will ache for the betray u've experienced .. so don't risk un-veiling ! cuz always there's so much u dont wanna see and there's so much that u never wish to know .. just enjoy the cover cuz after all it SEEMS to be nice ! i myself dug too much that i finally felt the ground under my feet is also being dug ... but by no-one but me ...... i think i am an extreme type of person .. that's just another idea .

2002-10-29T13:46:00.000-08:00

talking big absurd words or repeating the lines u just read in a book is man's biggest achievment in proving one's woth the head above the tiny shoulders .. im not talking about those biggies .. i am talkin about those tiny minds who think they're big enough to look at the world with mockery or leave others' behind or even to look down on the ones they themselves consider shallow minds ! so let it be it because as long as one looks at the world upside down all the heights seem to be wells and all the deepest weels seem to be highest tops .....to be shallow .. or not to be shallow .. that's the problem these days !

2002-10-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

we - the people of 21st century - are facing numerous problems .. air polution , poverty , lack of natural sources , poluted water, global warming , undisposable materials , earthquake, flood , violence, war, terrorism, car accident , airplane crashes, starvation and above all faded love ................

2002-10-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

it's sad .. the only moment u can simoultaneously see the cover and what's really inside is when u are lookin in the mirror .. dont wanna play a trick on me .. i see the outside and i know what's inside .. that's the only moment of visulaization of truth .. the rest is a lie .. one big lie

2002-10-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

HELL O me .. I was impressed by the date i last wrote in my weblog .. but the point is "nothingness has taken over " so i really dont feel anything .. absolutely nothing and since i am a let's-talk-about-feelings type of girl , i find myself speechless while trying to add some stupid words to this little piece of the cyber world which is dedicated to me .. Edgar Alen Poe says :
take this kiss upon the brow
and, in parting from u now
u are not wrong, who deem
that my days have been a dream
yet if hope has flown away
in a night, or in a day
in a vision or in none
is it therefore the less gone
all that we see or we seem
is but a dream within a dream

i stand amid the roar
of a surf terminated shore
and i hold within my hand
grains of the golden sand
how few! yet how they creep
through my fingers in the deep
while i weep! while i weep
oh god ! can i not grasp
then with a tighter clasp
oh god! can i not save ?
one from the pittiless wave
is all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream

2002-08-31T13:26:00.000-07:00

i've always felt i've been different .. there are times it seems no one can understand me and then i find someone who kinda does but then i d find out that persopn doesnt care so its worthless .. i ve always wanted to know more and more about life .. death .. love .. friends .. music .. the world i am living in and the mockery in it and all .. sometimes its nonsense .. and sometimes it does make sense .. sometimes i am too puzzled to think so i just dont! this is what i call life .. but that's not the same to all ..

what's true love ? i really dunna if such a thing exists .. there's been times i thought to myself .. "heyy .. there u u found it!" but NO .. it wasnt what i thought .. maybe i expect too much .. that's what makes my fall even harder .. and the pain even worse .. i wish i could change my ways but ce n'est pas possible ! this is me .. this is my life .. this is how i am supposed to be .. and if u dont care .. go to hell !

i laid still in my bed .. waiting for something good to come my way .. my tears flew .. my heart ached .. i tried to kill the sound of my weeping .. but i really dont care .. someone took away someone dear away from me ..

2002-08-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

WHO DARES ......there s an empty room u cannot risk walking in
cuz wherever u may roam u bump into a pile of nothingness

there's a pair of dark eyes u can see urself in
and all the while u wonder how darkness can reflect

there s a heart filled with fragile wishes
do u dare to step in?

2002-08-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

SEDUCTION ..
i hate giving u this idea that i need compassion and i am seeking it so bad through everyone i see .. noway .. it's not like that at all .. a very dear person told me i will NEVER find all those things in one person .. so i am not looking .. i am just talking about my dreams so openly to share it with someone who might've possibly felt the same, sometime somewhere .. our ideals are not unique at all .. the reality about mankind is that they dont stay .. they wander .. they leave .. some of them look back and laugh .. some look back and cry .. some look back and shrug their shoulders .. so just sit back and relax .. nobody deserves u .. seduce urself with this idea!

2002-08-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

HAVE U EVER ...

have u ever felt u badly need an ear to listen to u ? have u ever felt u are so very much in need of a shoulder to cry on? have u ever felt u need someone who speaks ur very tongue ? have u ever felt u need just a bit of sympathy ? have u ever felt u need just a dim light to lighten up ur endless dark days ? have u ever felt all u need is a look from sypathetic eyes? have u ever felt u need 2 strong wings around u to stop the shivers thru ur body ? have u ever felt lonely ? if yes .. you're not the only one to have such feelings .. i am just like you ....

2002-08-23T15:57:00.000-07:00

MUG
the best thing in the world is to be someone .. to be someone special .. to be someone others can lean on .. to be a sincere shoulder to cry on .. that's the role i've long chosen for myself .. i used to regret it .. i used to curse myself for being a piece of precious stuff to be put in the cupboard of people's heart .. they'd come to me every now and then .. pick me and dust me up .. and that was all they would've done .. i still dont feel quite comfortable with this role .. cuz sometimes u need to be an ordinary piece of furniture to be used everyday and not a luxury to be used some very special moments .. maybe a unique wine glass always keeps envying a coffee mug .. but both of them could possibly break just the same way .. which can u tell is luckier ? i am exactly at this point .. unable to guess the superiority .. i dont regret being that wine glass but at the same time my heart yearns to be a mug .. just an ordinary one made from mud ! i am yet to experience .. but i am way more fragile ... i am at the point of breaking .. i'd rather break than crack .. cuz i'd rather be forgotten that be misused .. sometimes people shed a tear when it's too late .. and the pieces of the broken glass is in front of them .. they wish they had shown more care .. they wish the mug was broken !

2002-08-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

after almost 10 days .. it's time i analized everything and believed the bitter reality .. he lived for no good reason and now he's gone for defenitely better reasons .. it was so very hard to belive that he'd be existing only in our hearts .. how i will miss him .. when there's sorrow around , one thinks nothing worse is possible but b_katatonia you proved to me that worse things are yet in store .. you might be gone .. but never forgotten .. there would always be milions of things to remind me of you .. decoryah .. within temptation .. cry of mankind .. that old semetry standing on a lonely hill .. please;just like u said , just once more PUT UR LIGHTS ON .. b_katatonia will never knock the door ......................

2002-08-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

2 conclusions are what i finally got to last night .. one is an R-degree conslusion and the other one's absolutely x-rated .. i ain't got noone to tell these things to .. people i know and i consider kinda close will be having different reactions towards these 2 comslusions but they're quite predictable ..
it's all about 2 free hands and a sincere heart

BDSI:he would try hard to know the origin of all the shit i've concluded
M&D:thin red line .. generation gap .. call it what u want
SHER:he'd listen .. he wouldn't say anything but he'd realize how well those 2 fit him!
ANSR:he'd do kinda mockery but sometime , somewhere he'd use them as his very own theories
BKNK:he'd listen .. he'd tell me it's wise and he'd use them as a weapon against me to prove this life ain't worth shit
SRSN:she'd laugh
MNNR:sge'd try so very hard to understand but that's just a nice try
DNDD:no way ! they're x-rated
SPAI:distance makes oen big understanding pale
SZSI:nomore i know her tongue .. she speaks english anyways
ENSI:a couple of times of blinking is all that he would do .. ofcourse in a provocitive way
HNEI:been physically parted but close at heart for almost 7 years but that's all .. no mutual lang.
AIAA:he'd listen .. kinda connect it to my being a combination of a woman and a child .. but the first part's growing .. he'd say!
SNSE:nice idea .. but just forget it and be mine !

2002-08-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

[7/13/2002 3:55:54 PM | ]
it's a long time since i last wrote something .. and now i feel like writing a few words .. first of all i'd like to jot down some quotatons which have already made my mind busy during the past days .. they go like :
1-EVERYTHING IS A COPY OF A COPY OF A COPY
2-PUT THE GUN IN MY MOUTH AND PAINT THE WALL WITH MY MOUTH
am i brave enough to do so ? i dont think so ! :-(

i kept the remnants and the memories of the past
cuz i badly wanted them to go on and last
but now the darkness has taken over and there's no way out
and by the black veil i am thorouly caressed
the candle light .. regret .. love .. wine and then i hear this blast
it's just screaming so vividly that all those beautiful days are passed

i am not down .. but those words just got in the way ..

2002-08-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

[5/25/2002 12:58:39 PM | Luna Fiore]
i wrote this a week ago but i would like to put it in my weblogs .. so here it goes :
How come a cactus can live so long and loud in a desert all alone and so untouched ? wish i could live my life just like one , i'd rather have some torns around me , some horrible ones which no-one dares to come around .. But dont i have enough ? they're invisible but they do exist .. " no one's coming round here no more "
If illusions were to be realized , would it make it twice as better of twice as worse ? or maybe twice as much !! Can i have one moment of being myself ?
Sometimes what i long for is not too big a thing . it's so outta reach as well as being so easy and close .. it's just there in front of me , just some centimiters away but i am comfortably numb , better say paralized and can't make myself an inch closer , we're not world's apart , we're close enough but one's paralized and one's reluctant to make any move ! that's what hurts , so deep and so bad ...
All my previous writings has been written to an unknown , unseen , unfound, untouchable YOU whom i had absolutely no idea about , once i found someone so close to that YOU,
he became my you ! from that moment on he's being known , seen , almost found but still untouchable ......

2002-08-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

/21/2002 12:26:11 PM | Luna Fiore]
i just made a decision .. i wanna make myself a wishbox .. that is i am gonna write my wishes anytime they actually cross my mind and then i ll throw them in my wish box .. i would check all my wishes after a couple of years and i'd see how they've changed .. i wouldnt like my previous wishes to come true for even a dime .. cuz now i have bigger ones which i'd pay almost half of my life to get to .. but they'd also be outdated some day .. ONE SWEET DAY ! i have a strange feelin today .. it's like deep down inside me i know everything's gonna be alright .. but i suddenly feel i am fainting and then i hear LOUD noises in my head .. i have no clue what's going on upthere ! i just long for writing this piece of poem i LOVE here:

There's the wonderful love of a beautiful maid
And the love of a staunch, true man
And the love of a baby that's unafraid
All have existed sice time began
But the most WONDERFUL LOVE
THE LOVE OF ALL LOVES
Even greater than the love for mother
Is the infinite , tenderest , passionate love
Of one DEAD DRUNK for another ....

j'adore this poem ! no wonder why ......... !

2002-08-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

5/20/2002 5:26:38 AM | Luna Fiore]
Hello me .. such a hot day it is today and i am wondering about so many things .. it's not that i am not happy but i am deep into thoughts .. i've been meaning to classify the things which matter to me but i found it such an absurd thing to do .. i have no idea why i am just saying these things in a public weblog so i'd better make it a private one .. i've been yearning to talk about the things which i absolutely have no idea about !!! so here i am gonna get it off the chest .. "u know , when i'm gone , u'll hear my cries on the wind ." life is deceiptful but i am not to be deceived .. and i dont have any idea why i am being so self-cented to talk about me all the time .. lets talk about you .. YOU whom i thought i knew but i was so wrong .. being all alone in this big big world is not something knew to all .. its like u feel u found someone u can lean on but all of a sudden u realize u r just leaning on the whispering wind .. so i am to lean on me and my powers and my capacities .. i am gonna believe in me and no-one else .. people want u as long as u just give and u dont demand anything in return .. u give passion .. love .. u sacrifice your pride .. but the moment u expect the least they walk away .. without looking back .. without even lettin you know they ve long been gone ...

2002-08-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

[5/20/2002 5:23:55 AM |
now i am back again and i know way too more things since an hour ago .. i am finding it such an awsome thing .. i mean this blog which i wasnt familiar with a couple of hours ago but now i am like i've known this for so many years ! umm .. dunna what to say but it's gonna keep me busy and away from my melancholic thoughts for a while which is the greatest thing something can do to me at such time and circumstances .. i gotta be asking myself how to make a new blog without gettin everything started from the beginin .. so there are things yet to be learned by me ! "the silence gets us nowhere .. gets us nowhere way too fast! " ..

2002-08-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

1-[5/20/2002 5:21:32 AM |
today is my first day at this blogger stuff which i absolutely have no idea about .. today is my first day of recovery .. i havent been feeling good for a long time .. cant explain the reason .. that s just the way it has been .. i ve been feeling bad for some 2 months but i really gotta help myself outta it .. i wanna be the girl i was a year ago .. its hard but i am kinda sure i can make it in the end .. there are lots of things i should change though .. the fact is that i didnt want things to change but that's life .. "i let your tiny minds magnify my agony and it's left me with a chemical dependency for sanity " .. i have to come up with new ideas .. it seems i am doing a kinda self-confidence test !!! but thats all i gotta do .. i ve never been a loser in my life .. so this time i am NOT gonna lose either ..